Channel The Rain

I am (we are) a United States Air Force Veteran who served one tour in the Persian Gulf, in a noncombat role. We thought we had overcome various adversities including, but not limited to: (Complex) PTSD; the Sudden Loss of four immediate family members in a fire while serving at a base across the country in the U.S. Air Force (among them, our nine-years-old nephew who was more like our son); divorce; becoming a multiple “invisible ailments” disabled veteran in our twenties; then, fighting the government and it’s bureaucracy for over a decade; bankruptcy; agoraphobia; and losing our only remaining immediate family member to a terminal illness, (our Dad, who had always been one of our best friends).

We also know what it's like to struggle our whole life feeling like we were different; but, not understanding why, or for us... the several whys. No one was "out" of the closet when we were younger; so, we didn't realize until part way into our marriage we were actually a lesbian; then, acknowledging we'd always felt a connection to both our masculine and feminine hormones and energies since our early youth... now referred to as BEing dual-spirited or gender fluid. We do our best to be grace-full with those who want to truly learn and do no harm to me/us… when it comes to using pronouns as we prefer they, them, thon; but, will honor she or  he… because we inner-stand and honor each person’s hormones and energy fluctuate between the masculine “doing” side… to the feminine caretaker, strength, and wisdom of knowing when and how to grant Sacred Space for others as well as now honoring when we do not have the capacity in some moments to give what we cannot have from within our own well. We also know the heartbreak of having those we thought would understand or try to and be the ones who'd support us... be the ones who walked out of our life... while the two people who most had every reason to hate us, not trust us, etc. be the ones who've been our consummate, understanding, compassionate friends. It is our belief the only true way to begin ending the divisiveness in the world, not just within the USA, is for each of us to realize and acknowledge each of us, per basic anatomy and physiology, has masculine and feminine hormones (estrogen and testosterone,) and they fluctuate throughout our lives. For Christians, that’s essentially acknowledging we are each: part Adam, part Eve. Therefore, none is better than the other… “for to deny one you must deny the other,” is a line from somewhere. If we all used “we” since it is the true representation of who or what we embody, it would eliminate this archaic ideology of “The Battle of The Sexes.” Newsflash, we were not created to BE in battle with one another. We were created to BE in harmony with one another, not drive one another into division.

We also know how it feels to have an evidently potentially neurodivergent versus a neurotypically functioning brain…  whether it is similarities between autism spectrum, ADHD, AudHD, and/or PTSD… (we’ve only been diagnosed with PTSD;) and how it led us to BE an individual who has struggled and has been mocked for our various disabilities, including quirks within our social interactions and anxiety, tactile issues, and a whole gamut of uneasiness... typically relying on the coping skill of masking... as a person with potentially undiagnosed Autism spectrum… something our ex housemate said, early on in our “fake-lationship,” led us to now acknowledge the targeting, grooming, and manipulation level and prowess they had at identifying neurodivergent tendencies, habits, traits, behaviors, and coping skills in order to groom and manipulate us to become their live-in caregiver… at being nearly three times senior to our age. We also know the struggle of our simply speaking truths; because of the way the neurotypical brain functions, is often misperceived or misconstrued as “being hostile,” versus "passionate," and “always needing to be right,” versus "assertive and holding steadfast… inner-standing of the patterns our brain is wired to more readily recognize," etc. Over the past year+, we have been following those who've already known and can articulate things we've experienced our entire life; but, thought we “were the only one!” One of our greatest struggles is the often inability to readily identify how or all of what we feel “in the moment,” and others trying to “push us” into becoming aggressive or “lashing out…” rather than allowing us the time and Grace Space to determine whether any sensory overload we are feeling is due to external or internal stimuli… or both, and how to discern and appropriately articulate ALL of  what we are experiencing. That is a trait we have learned is called Alexithymia; and throughout our life, we found we are better able to discern and articulate our feelings through music. So, 2022-2025 have been years of extreme highs and lows, as we've experienced debilitating dark nights of the soul, a multitude of “tower moments,” and began acknowledging and embracing, owning, aspects we were not knowledgeable were affecting and effecting our brain development, our behaviors, our relationships, and our life for over 50 years. But, we find gratitude in the small moments, whenever and wherever we find them. As we've aged, we've come to know and trust… “it takes both the light and the dark... to fully appreciate the other,” and so... we do. As a human who struggles with overstimulation issues, doing better on some days than others, we are grateful for those who offer us Sacred Grace Spaces on the days we aren't doing well, or feeling "on point,” or like "all cylinders are firing at their best." 

When we were 26 years old, a psychologist, to whom we had been referred, switched gears in his line of questions, about 45 minutes into our first conversation… or dare we say… his inquisition. He paused momentarily before he asked the following question, we thought odd: “How did you turn out so good?” Belaying our urge to correct his grammatical faux pas, we replied, “If you think I ‘turned out good,’ the wrong person is seeing a psychologist!” We chuckled. He smiled politely, then said, “I’m serious. Most people who’ve been through what you have, would either be in jail, on drugs, or dead by your age.  I really want to know how you turned out so good, because, I want to be able to tell my future patients… ‘I knew a lady who went through ALL of THIS… and this is how she did it.’” Now, we are here to share it with you.